MastEARbation
There was an enormously obese guy on the subway sitting across from me dressed in an MTA uniform, with a slim piece of cardboard in his hand that was the size of a stick of gum. He kept twisting it over and over again until it came to a needle-like point. Once he was satisfied that the cardboard was as long, and skinny, and pointy and as needle-like as it could possibly be, he took it and inserted it into his ear until it totally disappeared.
What planet am I living on, again?