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I am a New Yorker who has had the opportunity to live and work in Northern California every summer. I have even had the opportunity to live in San Francisco and Oakland full-time for five years in the early ‘00s.

The time I have spent in California has clearly illustrated the many important differences between the life on the East Coast and the West Coast, and more specifically, the differences between life in New York City and California at large.

No, I am not talking about obvious differences such as the weather, landscape, business culture or social attitudes. I am talking about something that, on the outset may appear trivial, but in truth says more about a civilized culture than just about anything else: The Egg on a Roll.

The egg on a roll is a New York City staple. It can be found in just about any deli, diner, or bodega from the Bronx to Staten Island. It is made immediately to order on a well-seasoned grill behind the counter. The egg can be scrambled or fried and can be the lone ingredient, or it can be combined with cheese, bacon, ham, or all three, with or without salt and pepper, and all placed between the halves of a lightly buttered, toasted, Kaiser roll.

The price of the New York City Egg on a Roll varies, but is always cheap, and depends on whether you get a plain egg on a roll, an egg on a roll with cheese, an egg on a roll with bacon, or an egg on a roll with cheese and bacon or ham. The stripped down version consisting of just an egg, with no cheese, on a roll, will run you $1.00 while the version with an egg, cheese, and bacon or ham, will run you about  $2.50. There is the rare occasion when some individuals, most likely in Brooklyn or the Bronx, may actually order an egg on a roll with cheese, bacon, AND ham, but I believe such people are usually teenagers with no impulse control, or construction contractors who are just showing off in front of the other guys.

It is important to note that the egg on a roll sandwich is usually made from one egg, but can be requested to include two eggs for about 50 cents more. In either case, the appropriate amount of cheese, bacon or ham will be combined in just the right amounts to perfectly compliment the number of eggs used.

It is my theory that the New York City Egg on a Roll sandwich is very much responsible for the city’s vaunted and envied economic success, because workers can have an egg on a roll cooked up in about three minutes, have it wrapped to go, and it can be eaten with one hand while hustling down the street or in a crowded rush hour subway car, thus giving the hard working people of New York City a delicious, mobile, high protein breakfast, which no doubt allows these workers to get to work either fully fed and ready to work with no time lost. If not eaten during the commute, the Egg on a Roll may be  ordered into the office, it’s compact scrumptiousness allowing workers to eat it at their desks while working, without much fuss, thus increasing their productivity. An egg on a roll is like having a full breakfast without having to slow down even for a minute, or having to take your attention off your work, as you eat it. Granted, some arrogant individuals may, have, in the past, abused the handy convenience and compactness of the egg on a roll by eating it, not while being productive, but instead while engaging in non work related activities, such as in the 1950’s when I’m sure you could find more than one boss eating an egg on a roll  while schtupping his secretary. Although I would guess he could schtup his secretary, eat an egg on a roll, and take an important call from a client. Even if the secretary herself was eating an egg on a roll during the schtupping  she would be able to still answer phones,  and perhaps, type a letter, and thus productivity could still be maintained.

To someone who has never had one, the New York Style Egg on a Roll sandwich is a sort of simple yet delectable culinary creation that is not easy and straightforward to duplicate. As we shall see.

Firstly, let us establish that the pre-formed, microwaved egg sandwiches you get from chain fast food restaurants such as the McDonald’s Egg McMuffin, or the Dunkin Donuts egg on a bagel or egg on flatbread oddities are NOT even comparable to a New York Egg on a Roll. To suggest such would betray an individual as being crazy, ignorant, or both, so don’t do it.

That said, my guess is that many people, in many parts of the country are ingesting such hideous  chain restaurant egg sandwiches and by no fault of their own, think they are acceptable. They simply have not experienced a proper, egg on a roll, and can’t be blamed for that.

I expected more of California, however. California is well known for it’s diverse cuisine which it draws from the best of the culinary arts from all over the world. When I made the decision to spend some time living and working in The San Francisco Bay Area, I assumed the culinary professionals there would be capable of making a decent Egg on a Roll sandwich. To me this is similar to other assumptions one makes about a civilized society, such as that it has a subway system and street vendors you can buy socks and gloves from.

When I first arrived for my stay in California, I tried to create as much comfort for myself as I could in that strange and exotic place by attempting to recreate, or find, as many familiar New York style bits and pieces that I could fit into my routine. It was logical to start with breakfast, since it would be, chronologically, one of the first activities of my first day there.

I found at the local shopping area, a strip of restaurants, and walked into the first one that appeared to be serving breakfast. It was sort of an upscale looking diner with café tables and small potted palm trees out front. There was no counter (I was to learn that lunch counters are not as common in California as they are in the East) so I asked the girl at the cash register if I could place an order for an Egg on a Roll to go. She looked at me with a bewildered frown, asked me to repeat my order, and then told me to wait a moment, and then disappeared behind the door that led into the kitchen. I then heard what sounded like a muffled but spirited discussion coming from behind the kitchen door, a loud clattering and crash of pans and cooking utensils, and then a few minutes later, the cook comes out and asks, “You want what?  An egg? On a what?”

“A roll”. I answered. “An egg on a roll.”

“A roll? What do you mean, by a roll? I don’t have a roll. I have whole wheat, white, and sour dough, and I can toast it for you.” he said while squinting at me, as if sizing me up for a brawl.

I chose whole wheat and asked him if he could also put cheese on it.

“Cheese?” He really sounded annoyed now. “You mean mixed in with the egg…or melted on top?”

“Melted on top will be fine.” Now I was getting annoyed as well.

“ What kind of cheese do you want? All I got is swiss, cheddar, and colby jack.”

It now was taking longer just to order an egg on a roll in California than it would have taken to order, pay for, and eat an egg on a roll in New York.

I said that I would take cheddar cheese, and he turned and went back into the kitchen with a look of disgust on his face, as if I was the most difficult customer he had ever encountered. Twenty minutes later—I’m not kidding here—TWENTY minutes later, a waitress came out of the kitchen holding an enormous styrofoam container. She placed it on the counter in front of me. I thought that there must be some sort of mistake, because an egg on a roll is usually just wrapped in some paper and the whole thing could easily fit in one hand, but this Styrofoam container was HUGE and had to be carried with two hands by the waitress.

The waitress then fake smiled at me and rung up my check on the cash register, “That’ll be $9.50.”

The voice in my head, which for some reason, at this moment, had a Brooklyn accent, was screamimg, “$9.50??!! For a freakin’ EGG on a ROLL? With a slice of CHEESE? What the FUCK?!”

I opened the container to make absolutely certain there was not some sort of mistake, such as the cook misunderstanding and making me an egg, cheese, and lobster tail on a roll.

And While there was no lobster tail in this egg on a roll, what I did see when I opened the container struck me as quite odd.

There in the corner of the enormous container was a sandwich made from a very grainy looking, coarse, whole wheat toast with a thick layer of melted cheese on it—kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich. There was a fried egg slipped in the grilled cheese sandwich, and the whole rest of the container was filled with two large slices of avocado, and a pile of fruit salad on a bed of lettuce.

Aside from the exorbitant price, you are probably thinking that it doesn’t sound bad. In fact, you may be thinking, “Grilled Cheese? Avocado? Fruit salad? That actually sounds pretty good!”

If you are thinking that, and if I was sitting next to right now, I would have to slap you across the face and demand you leave my presence, immediately. An Egg on a Roll is supposed to be a utilitarian delicacy, not some sort of fruit accompanied hippy breakfast experience. There are some things that do not go together under certain circumstances. For example, you would not wear a cardigan to a work on a construction site, you would not listen to “The Sound of Music” soundtrack for work out music, and you do not eat fruit with your Egg on a Roll sandwich that has been ordered TO GO during the morning commute. And, fruit or not, you DO NOT charge almost ten dollars for an EGG. On a ROLL.

An Egg on a Roll is supposed to be quick, and cheap, and simple, and good. That is IT!

After this awful experience, and as I spent more time in California, I stubbornly tried again and again to order an Egg on a Roll at various cafes, coffee shops, and restaurants from San Jose to Santa Cruz and from San Francisco to San Rafael, and it was always a struggle to describe it to the cook who didn’t even have such a thing on the menu, or a struggle to pay for what must have been to them, the patient creation of a customized breakfast for that damn pushy New Yorker with odd tastes. Which was funny, because if I wanted a sourdough breakfast fajita with sprouts—well…THAT would have been normal to these Cali cooks.

Even, when I would find an old style coffee shop, in a place like the Sunset district of San Francisco, or in Downtown Oakland, and even if the cook was willing to have me micromanage the creation of the Egg on a Roll with me barking instructions from my side of the counter—and even if I would find myself with a reasonable, edible, facsimile of the New York Egg on a Roll—even if it’s taste was so damn close it warranted acceptability, especially under these combat conditions—it would still take 20 minutes and cost eight bucks.

I finally gave up and tried to acquire a taste for “breakfast wraps” which were everywhere, and apparently the West Coast version of the Egg on a Roll. But as I found about many things on the West Coast, just because something is an alternative to what is traditional, that does not make it better….or even just okay.

Now I am living back in New York. I can go to any number of my local coffee shops and delis in Brooklyn. When I walk in and simply say to the counter man, “An Egg and Cheese on Roll!” The only question he will ask is if I want salt and pepper on it. I will get it wrapped to go in three minutes. And it will cost $1.50. 2 bucks with coffee.

Now, I ask you. What is so freakin’ hard about that?